Since I moved away from Philadelphia, I’ve finally seen the kind of towns wherein paranoid gun nuts and militiamen reside. Upon closer inspection I can, with a clean conscience, conclude that you people are all retarded.
I say this with nothing but love and pity in my heart. But before I make a heartfelt appeal to you all, let me explain why you guys are a bunch of doofuses.
Like, without fucking question, you’re all deluded.
As I peruse the internet for militia forums and blogs, I’ve found a common theme. You and your ilk have a strong belief that this country needs you to defend it. This is not the truth. In fact, your own shit hillbilly towns also need no defense from enemies foreign or domestic.
Let’s start with why America doesn’t need your help. There are six branches of the United States Armed Forces. SIX, all of which are highly trained and beholden to the Constitution. Should a pesky member of the New World Order – or perhaps just a bunch of patriotic rich guys – try to hijack, say, the US Army, we still have five branches ready to kick some ass.
You, on the other hand, can sit on the bench. Actually, get off the fucking bench and let the National Guard sit there because nobody needs you, ya see.
You guys keep saying you’re in a militia to defend America from tyranny. Well I don’t see any tyranny. I see an admittedly imperfect federal government with a balance of powers that pretty much ensures a dictator won’t be able to take over. The closest we’ve come to having a dictator is – depending on who you talk to – apparently George W. Bush or Barack Obama. I know you guys think there are FEMA camps hidden somewhere near Area 51 or perhaps behind the factory where the chem trail concoctions are mixed, but I assure you, there are none.
You talk about how the United Nations, partnering with the New World Order, will one day occupy American streets. Given that this action will somehow happen without the US Military getting in the way, you say you’ll be there to protect us. I have just one question in regards to your position: If the United Nations/New World Order is powerful enough to conquer the world’s remaining superpower, how on earth are you guys going to stop it?
In anticipation of your retort, I know many of you claim that your first priority is to protect your communities. From what, I ask?
Unless your answer is “Raccoons digging through the trash,” you should probably shut up.
No one is coming to attack your shitty town. Since I’ve left Philadelphia I’ve had the pleasure of visiting the towns and humble hamlets that unsurprisingly foster your batshit right wing paranoia.
Back when I lived in Philly, I didn’t understand why this happened. Your crappy towns have hardly any crime. Yet you’re all armed to the teeth. In Philadelphia – a city with 300 murders a year – law-abiding citizens hardly own any guns at all. Sure, we were all careful and kept a watchful eye so we weren’t mugged or shot, but our fears never grew to excess.
Then I visited your pissant towns and understood. You guys are all bored out of your tit.
You have little else to do except force your tubby bodies into fatigues and crawl around in the bushes behind the house.
Unlike your reasonable and pleasant neighbors – who also own lots of guns but manage to go hunting and shooting without getting all paranoid and stupid – you guys play soldier as a way to pass the time. I get it now.
And this leads me to my next reason why your cruddy towns don’t need you to protect it: Nobody wants to go there in the first place. Like, fucking nobody. Seriously, you should listen to me. I lived in murderously violent city for my entire life up until now and I can tell you, unequivocally, that all the scary drug dealing Black Panthers Rush Limbaugh warned you about are not heading to your town. There are no gang bangers, MS-13 members or bands of UN-sanctioned homosexual atheist footsoldiers who have any interest going to some rural-slash-small-town stretch of bumblefuck. It’s not happening.
Again, let me stop you before you say it: Terrorists!
No, they’re not coming either.
Terrorists are not coming to your All-American chili cook-off. They’re not sitting in a cave in Yemen plotting a strategy to take out your mountain town. There is not one grain silo in Nebraska in danger of a a visit from the underpants bomber. None. And not just because the GPS gets tricky with all your back roads and wilderness paths.
If a terrorist is going to go through all the trouble of blowing himself up to strike at the Evil Empire, he’s probably not going to waste his martyrdom on places where you guys live. I know you guys think otherwise. You think there is a danger. But there isn’t. Nobody’s coming to get you.
They’re coming to get us.
A terrorist attack from those heathen Islamo-fascists you hate so much will likely target a big coastal city full of us liberal homosexuals, un-American brown folks, and communist union members. And guess what? None of us are stockpiling ammunition. None of us are afraid in the least. We go about our day without feeling the need to form half-assed militias. Do we worry sometimes? Sure. But we’re not about to start doing dumb shit like this.
But before I finish, I want you guys to know that I pity you greatly. I really do. I never knew how good I had it as a big city degenerate until I visited your wholesome patriotic towns. In Philly and any other big city, we have it good. We have food, culture and plenty to do. We have more cool bars and pubs than your town has people. We might put up with violence and big city stress but, damn it, we’re never bored.
What you guys need to do is not arm yourself in preparation for the end of the world. You need to stop blowing your paychecks on $1,800 rifles. Save your money up and move to a place with more than five hundred people living in it. Take a drive through a rough neighborhood in Philly and, when you’re finished, you’ll realize how safe your shitty small town really is.
Because you’re not scared. You’re bored. Although sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.